Its been another hellish week for me.
Her going to batam didnt change anything. I was so upset looking at the way she talked to me when she returned. I was truely hoping for things to get better she when she returned. I waited a long time for that..

But by the looks of things.. nothing is still getting better. Never before have i cried on my knees begging for someone to stay. I realise i was foolish i was pathetic. I threw every last bit of my pride away.

She still hated me.. my mom didnt let me go to work the next day seeing how swollen my eyes was. I kept crying and crying throught the night. I know i told her i'll set her free and i give up on trying.

But why doesnt this stupid heart listen?
Why does it still want to ache? Why does it still want to eat up all this pain im getting. Yes because i know and my heart knows how much i love her.. how much she meant to me.

I have regrets for things that i did.. and for those that i didnt. Still i could never get any forgiveness for those. It hurts but who am i to force if she really dont want to forgive.

My parents are getting on my tail. They pressure me to get an answer from u. They tell me this fight i should give up. But i dont want to. Only i know only god knows how much she ever meant to me.

I never broke down this hard throughout my life.. all i just ask is for a hug.. and 1 more dinner. But end of the day..again.. friends comes first. Its upsetting bt i no longer have any say to how things should go.

I pity her parents they try hard. They are the ones who keep giving me hope not to let go. But how much more damage can i take.. i would like to be happy with her.. but more than that.. id rather she be happy even if it means i have to get out of her life. 😔😔😔😔😔

Dear god please save me from this pain. I only wanted her love.. u know thats true..



See my story, Fad d' Lee fadarts™

Dear..

I know u have been upset with me and how much u want to let go. You keep feeling that your decision is final.. what can i say about that?

Nothing.. as a human i got no say to your life decisions.

But i hope u can look at us as a whole. As life partners. Honestly it would have been hard for me to let go if we were just dating.

But now being engaged its not like dating whereby its free to come and go. Please realise that. The after effects of breaking engagement might not be so hard on you but for me it definitely is the loss of my world.

Its not that i dont want to understand that there are things u still want to do. But why can't it be together. Why must it have to be alone.

I know what i want in my life already. It u.. im sorry if u dont. You are still blinded by the worldly luxury i knw what u meant.

Its never easy being in our posiition. One is fighting for love. One is throwing it all away for freedom. I see that. Your heart is no longer with me. Part of it is with someone else no matter how much u deny.

This is my karma. This is my story. This is my life. I get what i did to others. I was happy with what i did back then only to get it back now.


See my story, Fad d' Lee fadarts™

Its a friday. Maybe what they say is correct. Sometime god makes u realise things that we blind ourself from. I came to work and sat down.

For whatsoever reason i thought to myself why all this is happening.. until i came to a realisation that even shocked myself.

All along who am i blaming? Why am i blaming? If i was that good of a person why did it happen? Thats when i felt my eyes open like really open.

All along i was the one who caused this. I was the one to blame for all that has happened. There could be no reason. I always find something else to blame when actually the problem was in fact...

Me.

Us being happy all this while i was living a lie thinking.. hey shes always happy with me. But what abt the things she kept deep inside. All those pain she took in just to protect me..and us.

Feels like a fool once i realised all that. It really did. Who was i kidding. Naturally im an asshole that even i myself didnt knew about.

She had to bear that pain inside for god knows how long. It really sucks once u see yourself in this kind of position. I have been selfish and abnoxious.

But whats the use if i keep blaming myself. Best i could do is repent for the things that i did wrong..

Still i want to fight to save this relationship. It means alot to me and im sure it means alot more to her if she was able to keep the pain inside so long.

I would like to beg for forgiveness...

I would want a second chance to make her really happy..

Happy unlike the 'happy' i thought she was..

I mean happy as in really happy.. to be her backbone..to be her strength..and to be her support.. i dont wanna let go.. i want to hold on to u forever as a better man.

But whatever its is.. i got no rights to be selfish.. i got to respect her this time..
If she reach out her hands to me once more i should never dirty those beautiful hands again. If she smiles to me i should never break that smile again. If she opens up her heart to me i should never abuse that heart again.

If she chose to be free..i should respect her decision. For i was useless..

No matter what i could never blame her i could never hate her.. because i know forever i still love her. In my heart she's already my wife.

Honestly..i want to win her back in my life.

See my story, Fad d' Lee fadarts™

The journey has still been a rough one. Still couldn't sleep well. Even asleep im always worried thinking about her. Always waking up in between. Everything felt so surreal yet delusional.

My prayers came thru because i believe god made me abit stronger again. Maybe its to much to ask for.. but im really hoping my prayers for her to come back will be answered....

7 years back ii seems i was going through a hard time. I dont want to lose the person i love this time.

Because through it all.. i still want her to be the one i spend the rest of my life with.

See my story, Fad d' Lee fadarts™

This month have been the worst in my life ever. Due to respect for her i decided not to post on other social sites that might cause hurt to her..i've so much to say but no place/person to actually listen to.

First week of Dec 16..

It was a normal start nothing special as usual i was waiting for her off day to finally be able to see her. Due to certain reasons 3 of her off days i was not included in her plans.

I was so upset though that she left me out of her plans.. only to get to know she ditched me to go karaoke with her friend. Thats where things started getting rough.

I was so upset with what she did till i couldnt eat or sleep. Somehow..she wasnt sorry. I stayed up the whole night hoping that she felt bad and would show up at my doorstep. But she didnt. She started to ignore my texts even though i was so broken.

Eventually i fell sick for a couple of days. But she still nvr showed up. All that while all i needed was her attention.we had dinner on my birthday and we went karaoke..but still somehow.. She started to become more distant.

2nd week..

The most shocking thing happened. She wanted to break off our engagement. That brought me to my knees..tears in my eyes.my whole body was shaking. Eventually i went into depression. I nvr wanted that to happen. No matter how much she hurt me i still wanted her in my life.

I always knew she was the one for me when i proposed to her. We have been happy for 3 years but why did it come down to this. She started avoiding me.. pushing me away. Even though i went into begging, she still wouldnt change her mind.

All she said was she lost her feelings for me. That was something no one would want to hear from the person they love. It really hit me hard right down to the ground..

I tried and tried so much and so hard to tell her how much i love her. But nothing got through. Whatever she did wrong i would sincerely effortlessly forgive her.. but why cant she? When i did no big sin to make her this way..

Every single day i still refuse to give up. Day by day i prayed so hard for god to open up her heart once again. It was too much to take. I lost focus of everything else in this world.

3rd week..

Im still trying..though its hard i keep forcing myself to be strong. No matter how much she said she hated me and how she feels shes better off alone..deep inside i truely believe that a part of her was still for me no matter how small it was.

She blocked me on every possible social media. I know it would seem like i look petty and miserable. I may look like a fool. But i still know how strong my feelings are for her. No matter how much beating i took.. i still believe that its her that i want to be with.

It kills me not to be able to wake up to your morning texts and go to sleep hearing your voice wishing me goodnight. I dont sleep well anymore. Doesn't it kill u to go through the same? Or is there someone else who gets your wishes.. 😔

These days its hardest not being able to communicate with u anymore.. but somehow im happy to get a reply from u..even if its u cursing me or asking me to go away..even such texts become so valuable to me.

You are my strength. You are the reason why i keep looking forward to living day by day. But now the only thing i can look forward to is the gift of being able to live with u again. The strength that u gave me thru our journey is the reason i can't give up yet..

Im still trying...

Im still praying...

Im still waiting...

For the day her heart decides to open her doors again.. forever she is my poyo.. forever she is my mumuu.. forever she is my love.


See my story, Fad d' Lee fadarts™